As I am writing this blog entry my behind is currently sitting in a plane on my way back home to Juneau. The time is close to 9 pm Seattle time and as I look out my window below me the mountains peep through the clouds. The sun is painting the sky with hues of soft pink and shades of orange and I think to myself; “This must be how birds feel.”
The freedom of flying.Of flying by yourself. Your wings taking you wherever you want to go. Soaring through the air the wind taking you higher and higher.
I love to travel. It is on the very top of this girls bucket list. Lord knows I don’t want to have children so I can continue my travels.
Hawaii gave me more of the travel bug. Going there was my first real vacation outside of Seattle. I have been back down to the West Coast a few times now. And though it is always a wonderful feeling to get on a plane and go somewhere, I have bigger fish to fry. Achieving a passport is on the list. Getting said passport filled with exotic stamps is also on that list. Actually it’s the title of said list. If we are keeping it real.
Next year I turn the BIG 3-0. Ekkkkk. My plan is to do Europe for my birthday. However, I honestly don’t want to do it alone. I honestly don’t want to do any if it on my own. I have just learned how to do it by myself. On the share principle that I have to accept and make big girl decisions on my own now, without the opinion of another human being. The good of that is, I only have to think about how this choice is going to affect me and my current and long-term goals.
I don’t have to weigh in another humans thoughts/emotions and their ego into the equation.
Making some of the choices I have made in the last few years have been very difficult and though they have taught me how to make the big, BIG decisions on my own. It has also given me the confidence to follow through with them, even when it has not been easy.
All of these major life decisions have taught me how to do me pretty well. I do love my single life. As each day passes I fall in love with myself and my life just a tad more. I enjoy my money being mine. I like that I only have to worry about myself. I enjoy the freedom with not having to answer to anyone or anything. I don’t miss fighting with someone or getting jealous over something stupid. I don’t miss having to explain myself and the uncertainty of just starting to date someone. Wondering when he would call. Losing me in every sense of the word because I became so caught up in my relationship.
I enjoy the luxury of being single.
I also miss the good stuff and want a partner in my life. A partner in life, in crime, in bed, in the journey of finding ourselves separately and joining to find ourselves together.
I want someone who wants to hear about my day and knows that even though he can’t fix it he cares enough to just listen. I want a partner to travel this beautiful world with. To take my hand in this life and help me tackle the big stuff.
Because honestly tackling the big stuff by yourself gets very tiring. And I’m getting tired.
It’s frustrating as a woman to be told by society to be soft and gentle. A damsel in distress, but to also be told to be able to take care of you and not have to rely on a man.
I don’t need a man to come save me from this big bad world. I don’t need anyone to come save me. What I do need is to find a man who will accept me.
My flaws and my sharp edges. My scars, my weaknesses, the way I talk to myself when I’m bored or stressed out.
That not taking help isn’t because I don’t want it but rather I’m afraid I’ll be weak if I accept it and still love me for the stubborn parts that are so afraid to fully let go.
If I fully let go, if I fully let someone in I have to take the chance they won’t break me.
It’s a chance I’m willing to take for the right one.