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September 8, 2016

Sometimes it does hurt

There are times when being single just sucks. Right now is one of them.
As I lay on my couch, the tears still moist on my cheeks; my jaw clinching as I try not to be sad. A pity party about to set in.
I lay here and think about everyone around me who gets to be in a relationship. I think of the guys I’ve dated who quickly moved on and are now dad’s. My ex-husband remarried. My ex boyfriend a new dad. The ex who broke my heart still in the same relationship years later. I know these things thanks to Facebook and basic stalker skills. Like, remembering how to spell their last name correctly.  Lol.

As I see my friends find a new partner, I see them slip away from me to put all their efforts into their newest relationship.
And in my poor me way, I get left behind. I feel as if that friend broke up with me. Sometimes they would call, mostly though when the relationship ended. Still, there is was alone as alone can be. This has happened to me when male and female friends change their relationship status.
Male friends who I liked. Male friends who liked me and I didn’t feel the same way back.
Alone Under The Northern Lights.
That is me. Wondering at times what is so very wrong with me? I look into myself, I look at the outward. I cry. And let me tell you, I do not cry pretty.
I wonder if I will die an old maid.
I ask myself and also I tell myself every horrible and imaginable thing humanly possible as to why no male wants me.

My friend didn’t want to tell me about her newest relationship because she didn’t want me to be sad. That sucked to hear.
I told her I didn’t want her to ever feel that way. I’m not sad that she found someone.
I am happy for her. He better treat her like a fucking queen. But, I am happy that she’s happy.

I find it sad that people feel like they have to protect my feelings just because I am the single person. I have been single more  of my life than I’ve been in a relationship.
Sad. But the truth. I’ve only had three boyfriends. And one of them, I married.

I wonder if I’m just meant to help other people with their lives and their relationships. Kinda like, “sorry, but no desert for Jennifer.” Type deal.

I think for the most part, I rock the world of being single. There are just those days when a bottle of wine, chocolate and sappy music make the tears fall down.
It is 100% human. It is raw and it is my truth.
I hope one day I find a man who makes me feel as special and as amazing as I know I am. Maybe he will buy me some flowers or just hold my hand. Either way when I look at him and I see the way he looks at me, that look will make all this worth it. I hope that’s out there for me. I don’t understand why I wouldn’t get my desert too?
Until then, I walk this journey alone.

Namaste

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