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December 19, 2016

Verbal abuse & finding the strength to leave.

I have been avoiding writing the second part of  Verbal abuse. The only love I ever knew.  For me living the pain again, remembering the verbally abusive relationship with my now ex-husband weighs me down. I want to share my past to help spread the message that verbal abuse is not love. That abuse, either verbal or physical is NEVER ok. I want to save the young girls who are just like me. To save the women, to save them all. I just want to spread the message that there is life after verbal abuse.  However at the same time I just want to continue to sweep it under the rug. Guilt still lingers with me, it seems. Guilt for staying in an abusive relationship as long as I did. Guilt for putting my family through hell. For putting myself through hell. There are so many small things that he did to me during the time of our relationship. Things that I would much not rather remember, or even share. Far to personal, to embarrassing.  Things in my closet that I have attached “shame” to. The bruises of a verbally abusive relationship that never healed.

Ex and I had been dating for a few months when his mom had flown into town. She had come in from a small town in Texas to help take care of her mom for a while. I think his  Grandma had broken her hip, or something of that sort.
The Ex was living with his Aunt and his young nephew in the same complex as his Grandma. So, when the Ex’s mom flew out to help take care of her mom, I naturally had the chance to meet her. At this point in time, the Ex and I were spending every single minute together we could. I was rebelling rather hard at this point. After all, I knew it all. And I knew if I went home, my family would tell me things I did not want to hear about him, you know? It is like when you quit smoking, or you go off that diet you told everybody you were on. The moment somebody sees you smoking or eating something you shouldn’t,  you hope they don’t say something to you. You already know inside that you shouldn’t be smoking, and you don’t want it pointed out to you!
I had gotten to the point that I was avoiding going home. So much so that my mom felt the need to shut off my cell phone. The phone that I was paying for. My mom was trying to get my attention. And she did get it. It just backfired on her.
All this did was push me farther away from my family and more into the arms of the understanding boyfriend. He saw my family as crazy and over-bearing. I saw my family as crazy and over-bearing too. I was PISSED at my mom. I took the boyfriend and paid for us to stay in a hotel room together. Shall I mention, at this point in our relationship; the boyfriend had quit his job because he didn’t like it anymore. This would also become a pattern in our relationship. I worked full-time and I had just inherited about seven grand. It’s those little details, I tell you. I would spoil him with nice hotel rooms, new clothes, an expensive jersey. I even bought him a 1987 Honda Prelude. We impounded that before we moved.
 A few days later, as we were leaving the hotel, I had forgotten my phone in the room. I sent the boyfriend  back to get it for me. Had we left  instead of him going back for my phone, my mom wouldn’t have found me. But she did. It was a moment I will never forget. As were getting ready to leave the parking lot my mom pulled in right behind me, blocking me from being able to leave. This is what it had come down to- my mom was hunting me down.
From then on my relationship with my family got even more distant. The Ex was homesick and I was sick of my family. He wanted to move back home to Texas and his mom invited me to come with him. A few weeks later my best friend at that time drove us to the Sacramento airport. I spent a month in Texas that first time.
One night while we were watching T.V the boyfriend said something to me. It was in his normal “just joking” manner, when he says he is joking, but he really isn’t. Ever experience that one? How they use ‘jokes’ to cut you?
If I remember correctly he told me about a girl he had worked with one night-that they had kissed. I was naturally upset. He just laughed it off, down playing my hurt. His sister, trying to keep the peace, told me to let it go. It was in the past. I could not just let it go. No. I knew that it wasn’t right. All the acid he could spew at me I could take. This had crossed the line. I went and talked to his dad. His dad saved me that night. I borrowed his phone to call my mom. I was crying on the phone with her, and I remember worry on her end. She wanted to save me from the situation I had put myself in. And she did. She  booked me on a flight back home to California. The Ex begged me to stay. He used every which way he knew to keep me from leaving. I left.
I left him because I saw who he was. Because he told me about the conversations he had with another girl, and how he didn’t see it as a big deal. I left because he didn’t care how it made me feel. He didn’t care that he talked to other girls, but god forbid a guy would look at me, or would even say something to me. When we lived in California the boyfriend had told me to report a comment that a co-worker had made to me. To the Ex, the comment was sexual harassment.  But mind you, he could tell me about how he and another girl wanted to get together. He could do no wrong.
When I got back home to California I had regret for leaving him. I missed him. I forgot why I had left him. Or maybe my mind smoothed over the harsh truths of who he was, because my heart didn’t know how to deal with the hurt. Years later I would realize it was because it was easier to be with him, than to let my heart bleed for a while. I did not know it would eventually heal.
Back home my mom started showing me articles on signs of verbal abuse. She was trying to crack at those rose-colored glasses I had been wearing all along. It was hard for me to read those articles. I didn’t want to see the truth. To admit I was wrong.
One day I decided to call the Ex. I wanted to get back together with him. Apparently I had forgotten the reasons I had left, (or had justified them in my mind.) Either way, that phone call changed my life. For the next ten months we would be long distance, on and off. Off and on. One time, when we were on, I flew out to go see him. I took a week off from my job, because my heart hurt so bad from missing him. The night before Valentine’s day/ early morning of, we had a talk about how he wanted to start dating other people. There was a girl he worked with that he wanted to try to date. He also thought I should date other people. My boyfriend had dumped me. After I spent the money to come see him. The worst part? According to his sister, he KNEW he was going to dump me before I came for the visit. Payback for leaving him?
During the times that we were off, I had met another guy. He was kind to me and paid  attention to me in a way the Ex had not. It scared me that this guy was nice. I didn’t know how to take it. How to handle it. At this point in my life I knew how to avoid certain landmines within the abuser. You know what I mean? I was always ready to pull back within myself at the moment I would set my abuser off. This guy, was not my Ex though. And while I was single and so was he, he knew that I wasn’t going to pick him. There I go. Not allowing the nice guy to be nice to me. Living in that space of kindness did not feel natural. I had to go back to the land of abuse. It was what I thought I deserved. It was what I knew.
When the Ex and I were back on, I told him about the guy who I had slept with. Why? I can’t remember now. To be honest with him? I do not know. All it did was give him ammunition to use against me when it suited him and his needs. According to him, it felt like I had cheated on him.
Being the sweet guy that my Ex was, he let my sins go. I mean after all, he broke up with me, right? He was the one who wanted to see other people. For the reasons of insanity we were back together again. And again I was packing up my bags to move back Texas. The boyfriend had kept a job long enough to move us into our very own place. Beeville, Texas, use to be military town. The apartment that we got was a converted barrack. Super small, covered in cockroaches and all ours. We were happy and in-love. Jobs came. Jobs left. For both of us. Fights happened. He threatened to leave me. I would cry and beg him not to.
With both of us unemployed, the Ex wanted to be just like his dad and join the Army. So one day, when we were walking around town, we went in to see an Army Recruiter. They helped him get his GED so he could join. The recruiter also set us up with the judge who would marry us.
We got married On Texas Independence Day, in a saddle shop, by a judge.
A few weeks later he left for basic training and I moved back in with his parents. I got a job at a local restaurant washing dishes. Six weeks later the husband came home. He had received a medical discharge from the Army due to an allergic reaction to one of the vaccines they give you in basic training. We lived with his parents for a while, while he got another job working 12 hour days, and I continued washing dishes.
Soon enough we were back in our own apartment. I was excited to be out of his parent’s place, but also scared. It was safer to be around other people. My sister-in-law would tell him off anytime he treated me like crap in-front of her. She, in a way became a source of protection against my husband.
One day after my husband and I had moved into our new apartment, we got into yet another fight. He threatened to leave me. I remember him going and getting his military papers, and walking out the front door. I did not care. I wish that I had actually locked the door instead of letting him walk back in. This time his threat of leaving me did not scare me as it had done once before. Those rose-colored glasses had taken another hit.
At some point in time I had quit my job as a  dishwasher and I had been hired at our local Wal-Mart. I was in orientation filling out my legal documents. Life insurance, etc. I stared at that paper. I did not want to put my husband’s name  anywhere on them. This was the beginning of the final end. I spent the next few months trying to fix our marriage. I asked anybody who would listen to me what I should do. I talked to his family, I talked to my co-workers. I talked to him about counseling. He refused. I went back and forth, back and forth. What finally shattered the control he had over me was when we had gotten into another fight. This night he was studying for his newest job as a security guard. I got pissed off and walked away from the situation. It scared me to see the anger in myself that I had seen in my dad. I was  on our bed sobbing when he came and asked me what the hell I was crying about. I asked him, ” What do you do when you realize you have become the person you hate the most?” In this case the anger of my dad I had seen in me. He told me to “deal with it”.
I looked at my husband as he walked away. In that very moment every single layer of doubt, of confusion, of loving and protecting him had shattered. Every single layer. I looked up at the ceiling and I said “Thank you god.” Thank you for giving me the clearest answer I could have asked for. I pulled myself out of that darkness my Ex had sent my into. A darkness that I was afraid would consume me.
Almost a year after getting married I found the strength to leave my verbally abusive husband. When the good no longer outweighed the bad. When I got on the flight leaving Corpus Christi, Texas I did not cry. My heart did not regret. My heart thanked me. I did not miss him. I did not love him. In the end he himself had shattered the glasses I had worn for so long. I was finally free of him.

 

178 Comments on “Verbal abuse & finding the strength to leave.

Jen
October 3, 2016 at 9:48 pm

I think you posting this will show so many girls and women that these relationships are not good, and you can have the strength to get out if them. It’s very brave of you to share your story. Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for as long as I was, I can relate to a lot of this.
Love ya, girl.
Other Jen

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Jen
October 3, 2016 at 10:16 pm

XoXo

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Stephanie
October 4, 2016 at 4:05 pm

First, let me say, YOU are Amazing! Thank you for sharing your personal struggle. I hope this will reach many going through the same thing and serve as an inspiration to them.

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Jen
October 5, 2016 at 1:48 am

Thank you Stephanie. My hope is that it does reach that person who needs it. Thank you for your comment, and please feel free to share 🙂

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Sheila Jo
October 4, 2016 at 4:11 pm

Glad you were able to get out. I hope you are in a much happier place now.

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Jen
October 5, 2016 at 1:49 am

Sheila Jo, I am, thank you 🙂

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Jessica @AvaGraceFashions
October 5, 2016 at 12:35 am

Tough to read, I’m sure it was tough write. Thank you. It does often start small, doesn’t it… Smh. Gives me chills, bad memories there. This is a great story for other to hear and hopefully learn from. Sending you love.

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Jen
October 5, 2016 at 1:51 am

It really does. There is so much that I left out. Towards the end I became afraid he would start hurting me in a different way. As if the verbal abuse wasn’t enough.

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October 7, 2016 at 11:15 pm

Such a tough story to right but thank you for sharing your story.

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Jen
October 9, 2016 at 10:50 pm

It was hard to write and thank you.

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Julia
October 10, 2016 at 11:58 pm

Hard to read, because it brings up a lot of emotions but it would be so empowering to get past the point where these things shake me. thanks for working to create a space where healing can happen, not just for you but for others as well!

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Jen
October 11, 2016 at 1:52 am

Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate it so much 🙂

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Wow. Such courage!! I went through the same thing and I keep finding myself drawn to him. A part of me hates knowing that there is SOME good in him and letting someone else have him. I know that is wrong but I have been with him 2 years. He even talks about having kids but I am scared. Be glad you didn’t have kids with him at least. He says he has “friends” at work. Female ones and nothing is going on. Should I warn other women or share about him?

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That’s a cunning answer to a challenging question

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Well done to think of something like that

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You Sir/Madam are the enemy of confusion everywhere!

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Have the bike back together–had a few more pieces chromed–heard from John about a ride–whats up with the rest of you–no one rides–drop a line or give me a call–my # is on the contact page–King Rat

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ec588a8 2- 21d4I do love the manner in which you have framed this specific concern plus it does give me a lot of fodder for consideration. On the other hand, coming from what precisely I have personally seen, I basically wish as other feedback pile on that people stay on issue and not start upon a tirade regarding some other news of the day. Still, thank you for this outstanding piece and even though I can not really concur with this in totality, I value the perspective.15aa20

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I don’t even know what to say, this made things so much easier!

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July 10, 2017 at 11:12 pm

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Totally agree! We do a lot of social media specific consulting right now but always with the disclaimer that we think social should just be a part of a comms/marketing strategy. Thing is, we understand that right now so many people are so overwhelmed that they want help walking them through how the tools work.This post made me think about how pab was so much more about content than about podcasting. Makes so much sense for things to evolve that way.

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A bit surprised it seems to simple and yet useful.

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Articles like this make life so much simpler.

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Yummy vadas, my mother-in-law’s special, she makes it so good and crispy. Just sent my entry to your Village special event shama.Add a gadget on the right displaying the village special event and link dear..!

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Deep thinking – adds a new dimension to it all.

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Back in school, I’m doing so much learning.

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The commentors who say that the Vatican sides with Religion against Secularism are wrong.The Vatican fears anti-Islamic agitation in Europe because its logical conclusion is Blood-and-Honor nationalism…which is often anti-Catholic in nature. It is the same reason why Jewish groups oppose various patriotic movements in Europe/America. Blood-and-honor Nationalism is certainly not good for the Jews (or for Rome in most cases).

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It's strange to read yr winter recipe…now it's summer in Italy ..(mah…the weather is not the best ..) I love curry , also on the pasta!( now it's half past midnight ..looking yr photos..i'm hungry!!!!!Ciao!

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It’s a pleasure to find someone who can identify the issues so clearly

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July 11, 2017 at 10:40 am

I am currently working on an Americana Quilt in red white and blue and also finishingup a quilt using martinique fabric. These colors are perfect for fall. They are so soothing and I absolutely love them!!!!

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Red: Oh joder… llevo tiempo intentando recordar el nombre del juego Shadownlands… me cago en la puta… muchas gracias!!! Era la puta polla en verso!!! (o eso recuerda mi mente claro jaja).

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Look I just turn on the Kindle Fire I customize it but then it ask for an amazon account and password and I don´t have one and my grandma neither. My grandma´s company give one to her (she don´t have any amazon account)

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July 11, 2017 at 12:54 pm

Wow! Great thinking! JK

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I sent this on an email to , guess I was late (or it was too obvious). Oh well~Sandworm kind of reminds me to Sonic when he transforms with the Frenzy Wisp.The Scarabesque is so cute.Hm… Now that we’ve got a beetle and a sandworm. I was playing in Sonic CD (2011)’s Sound Test and got that Desert Dazzle picture by mistake.This makes me wonder if they are using Desert Dazzle in Sonic 4 Episode 2 after all…

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July 11, 2017 at 2:23 pm

Wonderful interview Hannah. Kim was one of the first people to really ‘connect’ with me while we were on authonomy and I love Misery’s Fire. I wish her all the best for the future. A very talented writer.

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July 11, 2017 at 3:17 pm

I was seriously at DefCon 5 until I saw this post.

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15 ottobre: il livello può rimanere quello anche fino a 60 anni. ci sono gli scatti di anzianità ma il livello non si alza a meno di un aumento di mansioni (o promozione) che cambia il contratto di lavoro e il livello del lavoratore. il terzo livello equivale ad un operaio specializzato con poca esperienza.

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July 11, 2017 at 4:30 pm

if you dont have proof of if we have been visited or not, then you simply DONT KNOW if we have, and thus you cannot argue with something you dont know..you just dont know..

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Economies are in dire straits, but I can count on this!

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Hey, i just need some help with this, I’ve been toying with the idea of trying and making something like this for my friends (who, like me, like japanese culture) but, unfortunately, i’ll have a hard time obtaining dashi granules in my town/country. So, is there anything that can replace them, or just another sauce, or should i just forget about the sauce and/or whole stuff and just make Chi Chi Dango Mochi for which i can obtain all the ingredients? Thank you in advance 🙂

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July 12, 2017 at 1:04 am

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Bien d’accord avec vous pour Limoilou. Après la banlieusarde rive-sud et Beauport tout près du fleuve, Limoilou s’inscrit dans la prochaine destinée pour ma famille.

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July 12, 2017 at 3:36 am

“Ironically, some of the most commonsensical observations come from a Muslim.”It is also ironic that this article comes from the Jerusalem Post.I’m glad that they are making some kind of a stand. The funeral march for Joe Van Holsbeeck was encouraging. Let’s hope it is a trend, not an isolated incident.

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Maar je hebt wel met de Islam te maken die altijd in de geschiedenis gelijke mensen ongelijk behandeld heeft (extra belasting voor niet-moslims, gevangenis/doodstraf voor afvalligen, ongelijk familierecht etc.). Saoudi-Arabie is alleen maar een extreme illustratie (omdat gelukkig niet ieder Isl land de letter van de wet tot in het bizarre toepast) van een dieper liggend probleem. En je zou er goed aan doen om te gaan nadenken over dat probleem van discriminatie in de Islam.

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I read your post and wished I was good enough to write it

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July 12, 2017 at 8:39 am

Free info like this is an apple from the tree of knowledge. Sinful?

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July 12, 2017 at 9:01 am

Stalking is not funny, Grayson! Lol, but seriously…..act normal and you might get a job. Act like a weirdo and the odds aren’t as great. It’s not that complicated.

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July 12, 2017 at 10:35 am

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July 12, 2017 at 12:31 pm

Now that’s subtle! Great to hear from you.

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July 12, 2017 at 2:28 pm

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You have me at a bit of a loss for what you’re actually doing. You keep saying that the paramter and the command are paths to exe files, do you man you put that into the autoremote message?

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Coincidentally, I had someone contact me via Facebook because he read one of my blog posts that his sister shared on her timeline. We had grown apart and after reading some posts he felt he had to reach out to reconnect and to let by-gones be gone and to try to do a better job of keeping in touch.

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A wonderful job. Super helpful information.

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Apparently this is what the esteemed Willis was talkin’ ’bout.

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July 12, 2017 at 5:47 pm

Il y a en effet un texte de Barbara Formis sur cette chorégraphie dans le volume III, avec une très belle description du début, suivie d’une analyse assez complexe. Pas sur Internet, à ma connaissance, il vous faudra acheter le livre.Crédits photos ajoutés suite au message de JD (qui est par ailleurs auteur d’un blog sur la danse), avec mes excuses.

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“I, too, favor the warning label, in the same way that a transparent agenda creates less distrust than a hidden one.” -Rick PatrickThis is very telling.Would you only require a “warning label” for Calvinist writings and not for traditionalist writings also??? Please don’t tell me you only want warning labels for Calvinist writings and not for Traditionalist writings also. Please clarify. I would hate for you to lose all crediblity for being unchristian.

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July 12, 2017 at 9:04 pm

Ah, sobre a rodada do Piquet, ela foi idêntica àquela ocorrida em Jerez em um teste de pré-temporada, vídeo colocado por você mesmo no blog.Tem algo estranho nisso.

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