Have you ever just hit rock bottom?
Self-discovery is not an easy thing to do. Many people never take the time to look within themselves to find their truths. I do not want to be one of those people. One of my goals with this blog is to work past the pain my past has afflicted upon so that one day I will no longer carry it with me the way I do now.
I am a stuffer. I stuff my pain down and then I stuff it some more. When it starts to show up, I do everything in my power to stuff it back down. I keep myself busy with all the wrong guys, T.V shows, going out, spending money on things I want, but do not need. Hell, I even realized that I work so much because I don’t want to deal with me.
Inner demons are a bitch. They show their ugly little heads whenever they damn well please and if you don’t like it, well too bad sweetie. They are still there. They show their ugly heads when a nice guy comes along. They show their ugly heads when somebody says something that is just somewhat ‘off ‘ to us. Whatever your trigger is- there they are.
So what do you do? If you are like me, well you run. My running will look different than your running, and vice versa. But the reason is still the same. Avoid the pain. Avoid the past. Avoid looking within.
And sure, you can avoid these things. You can continue to live your life in a cocoon of protection. Or you can step out. I am working on stepping out. It is one of the hardest things that I have ever done! It isn’t pretty in there. Looking at the raw pain hurts. I know though, that for me, to get to where I want to be in this life, I must face it. I must grow past the demons, pushing them out of my heart. Evicting the fear, the doubt, the self hating, the unworthy, painful thoughts that live within my head and within my heart.
Reccentley I decided to branch out into making YouTube videos! I found the lioness inside and went full on force with it. For the last week or so I have had a heaviness weighing down on me. Typing my story is one thing, sitting infront of a camera, crying, is a whole other ball of wax. I know that this is the journey I have taken, ripping those walls down for myself and for you. I honestly have no place to hide in my own world anymore. This is a very, very scary reality. I have watched the two videos I have posted to YouTube, for editing reasons, however watching them after that brings me a level of vulnerbality and pain, I was not prepared to deal with.
So how am I finding the strength to do this? I have found strength in simply knowing that this is my life’s calling. If I over think it, the way I over think everything else in my life, I will walk away from the road I have started down.
Every blog post I end with Namaste. My soul honors your soul. I have only touched on my journey of spirituality , though with Namaste I leave you with a small hint of my beliefs. I bring this up now because it is spirituality that is teaching me to grow, to look within myself and learn how to work past the darkness.
Ripping those walls down, one by one.